


Moral of the Story

by Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Actor!Phil, Angst, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, Hollywood!AU, Implied Smut, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, actor!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:47:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24851062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradisobound/pseuds/Yiffandquiff
Summary: Dan Howell and Phil Lester are big names in Hollywood, but their relationship is not what it seems. After a break up, Dan takes the time to reminisce about the start of him and Phil, only to come to his own moral of the story.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 18
Kudos: 45
Collections: Phandom Reverse Bang 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for irlsero's prompt on the PRB! I want to give a big shout out to my beta Alex (flymetomanchester) who helped me so much with this fic and listened to me giving them ideas and spoilers the entire time before they actually worked on it! Honestly this fic probably wouldn't have gotten as fleshed out as it did if it wasn't for Alex letting me ramble to them about the ideas I had! 
> 
> That being said, I have two more PRB fics coming and then I'll have a PBB fic coming as well. I apologize for not writing as much but I'm focusing my time on doing events instead. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Present Day**

“You’ve been pretty quiet about your relationship with Phil Lester lately.” 

Dan knew the question was coming but that didn’t make it any easier. His publicist had told him that most interviews wanted to ask him about his relationship with Phil and while at first he had denied it, he eventually caved. He figured what could it hurt at this point. People deserved to know what happened. 

“We decided that it wasn’t a good idea for us to continue our relationship,” Dan said, trying to keep his voice as steady as he could. 

The interview today was for People, he was their cover story this month since he just won his 3rd Oscar the month before for Best Actor in his film  _ In the End.  _ He was said to be at the height of his career and he wouldn’t argue with that. He was getting cast in any role he wanted to and he was being called all the time by his agent about directors wanting to work with him. 

It’s really no shock that magazine’s want him to be on their cover because he would bring them in the sales and the publicity. Airing his relationship as news on the front cover would also be a top seller, he knew this. 

He wasn’t dumb by any means about Hollywood and how everything was. 

“Do…” The interviewer, who introduced herself as Rachel when they sat down, cleared her throat and then continued, “Do you want to tell some details about what happened?” 

Dan flattened his lips into a line and shook his head. He smiled sympathetically and answered with a “That’s a little too personal for me.” 

Rachel nodded her head and said, “Completely understandable. Let’s talk about your most recent movie,  _ In the End. _ ” 

Dan nods his head and begins to speak his rehearsed sentences because sometimes rehearsing what to say 50 times before you go into the interview is better than sitting in the chair blindly and  _ fucking  _ the entire thing up. 

When the interview ends, Dan stands up and shakes Rachel’s hand to be polite even though he hated the entire thing: but he normally does anyway. Interviews were never his forte. He meets his publicist Jen outside of the room. She starts talking to him about how US Weekly is requesting an interview as well so she set him up with an interview the following week at 3pm. 

He just goes along with it, because without Jen, he doesn’t know where he would be. 

“Oh also,” She says as they get into the elevator, Dan’s bodyguards scooching in before them in front of the door just in case the doors open and people get on, “Phil called your cell phone 15 times during the interview.” 

Dan had forgotten that he’d given Jen his cell phone. It’s a rule that he made for himself after his cell phone went off during a live interview and it was embarrassing for everyone around. It’s easier just to hand his phone over to Jen and let her be the keeper of it. 

“Did he leave any messages?” He asked her as Jen handed his cell phone to him and he unlocked the screen. 

“I’m not sure,” Jen said. “I didn’t check.” 

Everything in Dan’s mind kept saying  _ what the fuck could he want?  _ Because Dan genuinely doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what Phil wants anymore but one thing is evident...it’s not him. So why is he still wasting his breath and time calling him? 

They haven’t even spoken to each other in nearly two months. What is talking now genuinely going to change? 

Just as the thoughts leave his mind and the doors open to the elevator and he’s escorted out, his phone begins to buzz repeatedly in his hand and he looks down to see Phil’s picture illuminating the screen with  _ Phil Lester Calling  _ plastered in big red letters on the screen. Dan rolls his eyes and tucks his phone under his crossed arms as he exits the building with his security around him into the blazing hot California sun. 

He files into his car with his driver in the front seat and Jen sitting next to him. She’s typing at something on her own cell phone so Dan takes the time to look down at his phone. This time, besides seeing now  _ 16  _ missed calls, he sees a text message as well. 

He unlocks the screen enough to see what the text says. 

_ Please talk to me. I need to talk to you  _

Dan doesn’t do anything. He deletes the notification and shuts his phone off. He’ll deal with all of that later but he can’t deal with it right now. 

The car winds through the streets of Los Angeles and Dan looks out the windows as they start heading into Beverly Hills where his home was located. He didn’t have anything else going on today and he was super excited to have the day to himself. 

They pass through the gates and make their way up the steep hills until they wind around a corner and are brought into the driveway that is his home. His driver stops and gets out to open the door and Dan gets out, smiling at his driver. 

He starts making his way into his home and as soon as he opens the door, he’s greeted by the soft prodding of his corgi, Spencer, against his ankle. He bends down and runs his hand through Spencer’s soft fur and greets him with a smile as he licks at Dan’s nose. 

Dan shuffles his feet out of his shoes and makes his way into the living room, Jen trailing behind him. He flops down onto his white sofa and throws his head back against the arm. He’s tired, exhausted even. His body feels like dead weight. 

“Jen…” Dan says, his voice scratchy and a bit cracked, “Do you think I made a bad decision?” 

Spencer takes this moment to jump on the couch and curl onto Dan’s lap and Dan ruffles his fur with a smile. 

“About what?” 

“About Phil.” 

Jen sighed and sat down in his armchair adjacent to the couch. She pulled her legs up and tucked them under her, “Dan, I can’t say because I’m not in your mind.” 

“But from what you know, did I do the right thing?” 

“I don’t even know the full story, babes,” Jen said, her voice comforting. “I just got your call as you sobbed and told me you had broken up.” 

Dan fits back the tears that sit behind his eyes. He remembers that day so vividly of when it all went down but he wishes he didn’t. He would do anything to be able to repress it. 

“Do you think it would help for me to get over him if I tell our entire story?” Dan asks, biting his lip and turning his head to face Jen. She’s now unclipped her brown hair and is letting the waves cascade down her shoulders. She’s going into a more casual mode and Dan’s okay with that because she’s probably going to spend the night again since she’s one of the few friends Dan still has, publicist or not. 

“I’m not a therapist, Dan.” 

“No, I know,” Dan says. “But maybe it’ll help me feel better.” 

“I’m all ears if you want to.” 

Dan takes a deep breath and lets it go, “Phil and I met three years ago in Miami…” 

* * *

**Miami, Florida: July 2016**

“Dan! Are you going out tonight after shooting wraps up?” 

Dan looks up from his half-eaten salad that is balanced on his lap. He’s in full costume, filming his final scenes for his film  _ Water’s Edge.  _ It was a drowning scene, so they had him in this weird array of FX makeup, all blue and discolored. Every time he moves his hand with a forkful of lettuce, he’s reminded of the swampy color. 

“Where are we going?” Dan asked. 

“Chloe found this really nice bar and club downtown called  _ Roulette  _ so we’re going to check it out. It has an invite list a mile long but I’m sure with a name like yours we’ll be sure to get in.” 

Dan liked a good club, he had to admit that. He enjoyed going out and having some drinks and dancing the night away. He wouldn’t say he was a total party person, but he didn’t enjoy parties whenever he was free. 

He’s been so busy filming that he’s forgotten how stressful it actually is. With this being the penultimate filming day, he really wanted to have a break as tomorrow’s filming was a night shoot. 

“What time are you planning on going?” Dan asks, “I’m not sure when I’ll be done filming.” 

Chloe comes closer to him, a bottle of Fiji water in her hand uncapped. Her brackets clanked as she spoke and moved them and her blonde hair was tucked behind her ears. 

They only know each other through this film. Dan hadn’t met the prestige Chloe Preston until now. But he’s sure that she says the same about him. 

“Uh, I’ll have to talk with Lynne but it’ll be late.” 

Dan just nods and stuffs another forkful of salad into his mouth. 

He finishes off the last of the scraps of lettuce that were in his container and capped the lid back down just as his name was called, “Dan! You’re wanted back on set in 10.” 

Dan just nods his head and slides off from his chair. His assistant Miranda rushes over to grab his empty container and give him some water. He shotguns the water down to not screw up his makeup and then he hands the bottle back to her as he walks to the makeup chair. 

He’s preened and prodded with sponges of blue and greens and Dan hates the feeling of the heavy prosthetics on his cheeks but he supposes he can deal with it. His makeup artist finishes up and then he walks back on the set. 

Today’s set is just a pool, but it’ll be made to look like a rushing river in the final editing. Dan sees the director and the camera crew all set up around the water and he walks over, stepping into the lukewarm liquid and wincing at how he very much did not like how this felt on his skin. 

“Okay, Dan…” The director begins and Dan listens as he’s instructed on how to do his next scene. 

* * *

The water pressure in his hotel room is shit. 

Dan hates that because now he can’t tell if all of the shampoo was rinsed out of his hair because it felt like the water was just glossing over it. A quick run-through with his hand in his locks determined that his hair didn’t feel soapy or greasy, so he let it slide and plugged in his hairdryer to try and tame it. 

He had just gotten back from being on set all day and it was bridging on half past midnight. His feet were tired, and a bit red on the bottoms, and his eyes were bloodshot. But that was half from the exhaustion and half from the makeup. He had scrubbed the best he could in the shower to get it all off but he knows, now, looking in the mirror, that he didn’t get it all and his skin still had a blue sheen over it. 

Hopefully, no one notices when he goes out tonight. 

Dan had gotten a text from Chloe earlier that evening that she was picking him up at 1 to go to Roulette so Dan made quick work of showering and trying to get ready. His hair was as dry as it was going to get now, so he quickly plugs in his straightener and waits for it to heat up. When it beeps red, he rushes it through his hair and only now is feeling the remnants of some soap and in it, making it’s texture a bit crunchy. He scrunches his face up and decides that he can’t do anything now. So he finishes up straightening it and then rushes into the room itself and begins to rifle through his luggage. 

He pulls out a grey and black striped t-shirt and a pair of his black skinny jeans and throws them on, hoping that he looks at least a bit presentable now. He’s just about ready, doing a final look in the mirror when his phone buzzes, and Chloe’s picture illuminates his screen. He picks it up and her face pops up. 

“We’re outside!” She says, her face full-glam and her chest covered in a beautiful array of diamonds. Dan smiles at her and nods and she begins to laugh, “Are you just wearing that shirt?” 

“I have nothing else,” Dan says with a protest. Chloe shakes her head and clicks her tongue. 

“How do you expect to get any dick if you’re wearing a t-shirt?” 

“Who says I want to get any dick?” Dan asks, grabbing his wallet and room key as he slipped his feet into his shoes and then slipped out of the door of his room. 

Chloe rolled her eyes, “Just make your way down here, slow ass.” 

Dan ended the call and hopped in the elevator, riding it all the way down until he got to the lobby. He passed by a few people who, despite not wanting to seem obvious, were  _ obviously  _ staring at him. And he tried to ignore it because despite him being a big name in Hollywood at the moment, he’s allowed to have some fun and have his own life as well. 

He doesn’t see any paparazzi when he exits outside so he’ll take that as a win as he climbs into the back of Chloe’s black Mercedes and she speeds out of the semi-circle, not wasting any time. 

Lynne is in the front, applying another layer of gloss to her lips and Chloe is currently indulging in a half-lit cigarette that is perched between two of her fingers . Dan almost asks Chloe for one but refrains because he hasn’t taken a drag on a cigarette in a while and maybe he shouldn’t tonight. 

He’s in the middle of filming and he can’t really afford to do anything that could potentially do anything to his body. 

They pull up to bright lights and blinding strobes. Dan looks out the window and can see people swarmed on the balcony just above the entrance. When he looks higher, he can see a sky bar on the top that’s crowded too. 

To say that he is excited is an understatement. He hasn’t been out partying since filming started 3 months ago so he’s excited to unwind. Chloe pulls up in front of a valet and two guys rush over to open the doors for them. Dan gets out from the back and he feels like all eyes are on him. In his peripheral vision, he can see a few flashes and he turns his head to them to see people holding up cell phones and taking photos of him. 

He flashes a smile in their direction before ducking his head and following Chloe inside the club as she stomps out her cigarette under her heel. They’re let through the door easily, the bouncers not even hesitating to let them bypass the long line of other patrons who want to experience this high energy space. 

It’s dark, but lights are bouncing all around the floor. Tables are occupied with people and the DJ is playing some mix that Dan feels like sounds familiar but also doesn’t: but it does serve to get the vibrations under his skin. 

Chloe and Lynne turn to each other and say something before Chloe turns to him and slips her long hair over her shoulder and says in his ear, “Lynne and I are going over to the bar and then we’re slipping onto the dance floor. You can join if you want to.” 

Dan looks around at all of the people and then remembers in the back of his head the space upstairs, “I actually am going to check out the balcony and sky bar.” 

Chloe nods, “Keep your phone on and I’ll keep in touch.” 

Dan smiles at her and then she walks with Lynne towards the bar. 

Dan makes his way through the crowded floor and eventually finds the set of glass stairs that take him upstairs. The steps are illuminated with water under the glass and Dan figured if he was drunk right now, these stairs would be actual hell to try and walk-up. But he’ll tackle that problem later. 

As soon as he gets up to the last step, he can hear the sounds of the street and feel the warm breeze on his skin. He walks through the small hallway towards the doors to the balcony and steps outside. It wasn’t as crowded out here as it was downstairs so Dan did like that a bit more. 

He makes his way over to the bar, pushing past some people to order a drink. He’s passed a cocktail by the bartender who, Dan thinks, couldn’t really hear him say his order and he takes it in his hand and takes a sip of it. He slips the bartender a $20 bill for good measure and walks away. 

He finds a small open space near the railing of the balcony and he walks over to it, looking down towards the line of people still waiting to go inside but being blocked by the bouncer. Dan smiles a bit to himself. 

This is one of the perks of having status. You can pretty much get into whatever you want. Which Dan is definitely not going to complain about it. He went most of his life not having any sort of privilege like this and now that he has it, he likes it. 

He finishes the rest of his cocktail and sets the glass down on a little table next to him that is also littered with other empty glasses, not yet cleaned off. Dan leans with his back against the railing and looks at all the people around him, the floor vibrating under his feet from the music down below. 

Just as he pushes himself off to go and grab another drink and head back downstairs to join Chloe and Lynne, someone comes up beside him and stands. Dan is bracing himself for someone asking for a photo, because he is used to it. So he turns and is ready to say something polite when he’s met with bright blue eyes and dark black hair. 

“Hey,” the man says, holding up his drink almost in a toast. 

“Hi,” Dan finds himself saying. 

He’s a bit speechless, which sounds a bit stupid...a bit cheesy.  _ How can you be speechless just from seeing someone?  _

“You’re Dan Howell, right?” The man says, extending a hand out. 

Dan takes it in his hand and shakes it gently because he’s still a bit in awe. 

“Yeah, I am,” he says, not even questioning why the man was asking who he was. 

“I’ve seen a few of your movies,” The man says, “Must say I quite enjoy your acting. I modeled mine after yours.” 

Dan tilts head and studies the man in front of him a little bit. And then it hits him...he  _ knows  _ this man. He’s seen this man before in tabloids. He’s heard about him but never officially met him. 

This was Phil Lester. 

Another celebrity, just like Dan. They starred in similar films and just this past year, they were competing for the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Phil ended up winning it. Dan wasn’t surprised but now he is, standing here in front of him. 

As silly as it sounds, he feels a bit starstruck. 

“Are you here for filming?” Phil asks, leaning back onto the railing as well. 

“Yeah, we’re almost done actually though. Just one more day tomorrow and then we should be wrapping up.” 

“Me too,” Phil says. “My film is filming on the beaches but we just started.” 

Dan nods, and suddenly it’s awkward between them. Dan taps his fingers against the metal and looks into the crowds of people. It’s getting a bit congested now...Dan’s starting to think maybe he wants to go downstairs and find Chloe again. 

“Do you want to go and dance for a bit?” 

Dan turns his head towards Phil and processes his request. A smirk plays on his lips and he nods and says  _ sure  _ and follows Phil down the stairs to the dancefloor. 

And they dance. 

It’s hot, and people are crowded against Dan as he dances to the beats of the DJ and the strobes of the lights around them. Phil is pressed right up behind him, grinding into Dan and Dan doesn’t mind. He knows Phil is a stranger--someone with as high a ranking as Dan in this world. 

Phil’s hands are on his hips, Dan has a drink in his hand that’s been sipping for the better part of however long he’s been here. It’s his third drink of the night, and he’s feeling it a bit more. Not enough to be drunk but he’s tipsy, his head is cloudy. 

Phil has been the same, downing drinks along with Dan. He actually has bought Dan the last two rounds of shots they downed in between panting on the floor and taking a break for air. But they’re back on the floor now, and Dan’s feel good. He sips the rest of his drink, the ice melting in the glass, and he turns around to wrap his hands around Phil’s neck, not caring where they were or the fact that they could be seen. 

This would surely be a front-page scandal. 

They’re both sweaty, and Dan can see himself in the reflection of Phil’s glasses. But Dan for some reason, really enjoys being here, in Phil’s arms like that. Even if they’re both a bit tipsy and grinding on the middle of a dance floor with other drunk 20 something-year-old’s. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” Phil asks suddenly, his voice a whisper but Dan could still hear it, “My hotel is right next door.” 

Dan nods because yeah, he would love to go back to Phil’s hotel room with him. He pulls back and they lock hands, and Phil drags him out of the bar into the cooling night air. 

They’re laughing, giggling even. Dan’s sure he can hear the clicking and see the flashing from the cameras. If he was sober, he might have turned around and glared, but he’s being dragged by Phil towards a pristine hotel next door and as soon as they enter the lobby, it’s all over. 

They barely make it into the elevator before Phil grabs Dan by the hips and lurches him forward, pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek. Dan blushes furiously, and they’re about to kiss when the elevator doors open. 

Dan’s never wanted someone like this before. Yeah, he’s had one night stands, but never once where he’s been so eager to get back to the person’s apartment or hotel room or home. 

Phil all but drags him to the corner suite at the end of the hallway and he swipes his key card and the door pushes open. When they step in, Dan’s quite amazed at how big it is. His room was big, but nothing like this. 

It’s easily two rooms with a living room in the middle. As they step inside, Phil shuts the door behind him and they pause, standing next to each other awkwardly. Dan turns to him because even though his head is cloudy, he knows enough to ask  _ what do you want to do now?  _

But Phil beats him to it, “Do you want something to drink or do you want to…” 

Dan lunges forwards and presses their lips together, not missing a beat. 

Phil’s hands come up to Dan’s jaw and holds him in place as his tongue snakes against Dan’s lips and begs for entrance. Dan opens his lips and lets it in. Dan brings his arms up to wrap around Phil’s shoulders and they start backing up into the bedroom and before he knows it, his knees are hitting the bed and he falls back, Phil hovering over him. 

They separate long enough for Phil to look down at Dan and Dan smirks up at him and reaches between them, feeling for the fly on Phil’s jeans. He unzips them and is undoing the belt as Phil kisses his neck. 

_ Yeah, Dan has never wanted someone so much in his life as he does right now.  _

* * *

Dan doesn’t see Phil the next morning...well, he does. That would be a lie to say that he didn’t. He did see Phil because Phil was still sleeping next to him when he awoke only a few hours later to his phone ringing across the room where it had fallen out of his jean pocket. 

It was Chloe. She was asking him where he was because apparently, she was still waiting for him at the club that had closed just an hour before. Feeling the shame hit him that he had just slept with Phil, that this was another one night stand and it meant nothing, he dressed as silently as he could and left. 

He never even left Phil his number. 

Chloe picked him up outside the hotel and Dan blushes when she tuts her tongue and her and Lynne laugh at his skewed hair and clothing. 

He’s tired, and frankly still a bit tipsy. His body now hurts, his hips aching and his back feeling sore. It’s kind of ironic that Phil totally blew his back out because Dan really didn’t think they were that rough. 

Dan blushes when he thinks back at it. 

When he gets back to his hotel, he sets his alarm for 8am, despite it being a little after 4am, because that’s when he needs to meet his driver to take him to the set. He knows he’s going to regret this, but right now, all he can think about is Phil. Of Phil and sex and how much his heart is aching for something that was never there to begin with. 

It was just a one night stand, something Phil probably planned because how  _ ironic  _ is it to say that you slept with someone who is technically your rival. 

He lays in bed thinking about that, because for some reason, his head is telling him he fucked up, he’s made a mistake and he’s going to pay for it. 

And he kind of does. 

Because Dan won’t see Phil again until over a year later…

* * *

**California, April 2017**

The alarm blared from Dan’s phone and he groaned in annoyance as he reached blindly for it on his nightstand. It’s still night...well, Dan should say  _ dawn  _ because it’s actually really early in the morning. But this morning is his first day on the set of his new movie and he was actually really excited to start it. 

The movie was called  _ Beyond  _ and it was an LGBT themed movie that was based on a popular novel by the same title. When Dan’s agent had told him about the role, Dan at first didn’t know if he should go for it. But he decided to go for it anyway and he ended up with one of the lead roles. 

Dan had no idea who his opposing lead was. They hadn’t done any table reads together due to clashing schedules. All Dan knew was that he was another popular actor and that made him really excited to test his acting skills with this new person. 

When Dan asked his agent if it was an actor that he had previously worked with, his agent had told him no and left it at that. Dan didn’t even bother to know their name, but he figures maybe he should have asked to do a bit of research. 

All he knew is that this other guy was going to play his high school love interest. 

Dan was still surprised at how he was being cast for high school based roles. He was edging on 25 now, and he didn’t really look to baby faced anymore. But he figures it got him somewhere to look still like he was 19 when it came to landing roles like this. 

Especially since his agent told him that this film was easily going to win an Oscar. There was no doubt about it and that already made Dan very excited to work on such a high profiled film. 

But now, as he grabs his phone in his hands finally and squints at the bright screen to turn his alarm off, and he sees that the time is reading 2:45 in the morning, he’s regretting it a little bit.  _ But only a little bit.  _

He was told to be on set by 4am and Dan needed some time to wake up and take a shower before he was spending anywhere from 12 to 16 hours on a set for filming. Dan knew that the first scenes that they were filming were a few forest scenes. Dan looked at the script for the first one and saw that the whole premise was supposed to be the first kiss between him and his love interest. 

Dan was used to kissing other actors for scenes, so that was nothing for him. But this time, he was a bit nervous to do so. He sat up in bed, the butterflies increasing in his stomach as he rubbed his hand over his abdomen to try and soothe them. 

If he wasn’t careful, he would run the risk of doing the biggest rookie mistake: vomiting on the first day of set from a combination of nerves and excitement. He wasn’t about to have that happen. 

Dan hopped out of bed and slowly padded his way to the bathroom where his eyes felt cottony and his mouth felt dry, but also too moist at the same time. He smacked his lips a few times and then positioned himself in front of the toilet and relieved his bladder. He then moved to the sink and grabbed for his toothbrush that was sitting on the vanity in the hotel room. 

Dan was put up in a hotel for the filming as the location was too far away for him to travel back and forth. Dan was actually shocked that they didn’t give him a trailer. Normally film production companies want to spend as little money as they can. So even this came as a bit of a surprise when Dan got told they had put him up in a hotel and they were going to shuttle him to and from the set. 

So here Dan was, trying to brush his teeth but miserably failing because of his tiredness and slopping toothpaste down his chin. He quickly spit and wiped his face off, throwing the towel down onto the floor to deal with later. He rinsed off his toothbrush and threw it back in his bag and then splashed cold water over his face, trying to wake himself up. 

He needed a coffee, and badly. 

But all he had was this Nespresso machine that Dan had never used before and Dan was a bit scared to break anything. He walked over to the machine, took one look and decided he was too tired for that and went to rummage through his suitcase instead to find some clothes to wear to set. He would be changing anyway, so he throws on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie and then sits on the edge of the bed, flopping backwards and staring up at the ceiling. 

Dan’s phone starts to ring next to him, he glances at the screen to see it’s a phone call. He picks it up and answers it, “yes?” 

“Hey Dan! This is your driver. We’ll be there in about 15 minutes for pick up.” 

“Okay thank you,” He mumbles into the phone as he hangs up and stares back up at the ceiling again. 

Maybe he can sleep for another 15 minutes before the driver comes. 

* * *

It’s cold outside, that’s the first thing Dan realizes as he sits on the grass huddled in a blanket. He had just changed into his clothing for set, and now he was waiting for the other lead to come out from their trailer.

Dan’s been on set now for about hour, and the sun was beginning to show a bit in the distance which he supposes was the director’s idea. But Dan is still yawning and his limbs still feel exhausted and he hasn’t even done any of the work yet. 

He was whisked away to make up, which he didn’t need much of, and then he had his hair styled which, once again, didn’t have to be much. Then his stylist gave him some casual looking clothes and Dan dressed before heading back outside to the tent filled with breakfast type foods and he made the biggest coffee he could, immediately drinking it down despite it burning his tongue a bit. 

Dan needed all of the caffeine he could get if he was gonna make it through this 12 hour day, which the director had emphasized when he arrived and shook their hand out of politeness. They seemed nice, at least from what Dan could tell, and he was happy to work with a LGBT director for such an important film. 

He was starting to shake now, not like he was meaning to. He wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled the blanket in closer to try and get as much warmth as possible. He let out a breath and could see the fog in the air and he sighed. He hoped that the other actor was hurrying up getting ready so they could begin the scene and get it done and over with. 

Dan was already nervous about the kiss. He had been for a while, but now being on the set made him even more nervous about it. He’s sure that once he sees the person he’ll be kissing because he doesn’t even know who they are. But that’s also never stopped him from feeling so nervous for a scene before so why now? 

Dan rests his head against his knees and tries to relax his frozen, tense muscles. 

Just as he feels them begin to relax, the door to the trailer opens and Dan turns his head to see who was stepping out. As soon as he saw the dark brown hair and the glasses, his breath left his body and he felt like he might actually pass out. 

It was Phil Lester. 

_ Of fucking course, his luck would have it be Phil Lester.  _

Dan had tried for so long to forget what happened in Miami the year before. It was meant as a one night stand, that was all it was supposed to be. But the next day, tabloids came out: 

_ Dan Howell seen leaving Miami club with Phil Lester  _

And Dan has never felt so ashamed of something in his life. 

Dan has had his fair share of one night stands, that is definitely a sure thing. But there was something so different about being with Phil. The sex was actually fantastic and even though Dan was a bit tipsy, he never forgot how it felt. He never forgot anything about that night. 

Dan had been out as a bisexual man prior to the tabloid running, but there was still something that brought him nearly to his knees in shock when he saw the headline. He was an out and proud bisexual man but yet, he felt like he was being outed all over again for something as ridiculous as sleeping with another person in a moment of... _ nothing.  _ It was just lust. There were no feelings. 

Except there also kind of was... _ is.  _

Dan can feel that pull in his chest every time he thinks about that night, and now as Phil is walking towards the set, laughing and smiling with a perky brunette next to him, Dan feels his heart swell again. 

He didn’t know how to approach the subject. 

_ Hi, yeah. We’re working on a film together but remember how we had sex in Miami last year? Yeah, that was a thing.  _

Dan shook his head to clear the thoughts and instead, shrugged off the blanket onto the ground. He needed to say something to Phil, but he was struggling to come up with what. It was a good thing then that as he opened his mouth to speak, Phil opened his mouth as well and said, “Hey, long time no see?” 

And Dan felt like he wanted death. 

Heat flushed his cheeks and he sputtered as he laughed and shook his head, “Yeah, it’s been a while hasn’t it.” 

“How are you doing?” Phil asked. “We never did exchange any information and I would have liked to keep in touch.” 

Dan begins to speak but the director interrupts them and asks them to get ready to film their scene. So they walk together to where they are being directed in the middle of the clearing and Dan waits for the cue. 

He’s read the stage directions, he’s read the lines and memorized them the best that he could. So he knows what the scene entails. Yet, standing here opposite of Phil, he feels like this is all new. 

Dan blacks out during the scene. Not literally. It’s not like he passes out in the middle of the set and has to have a medic called. No, he just feels his mind go blank and suddenly the kiss is coming up and Dan’s beginning to freak out a bit about it.

He’s kissed Phil before. He’s done  _ a lot _ with Phil before. But that doesn’t help when the scene is in motion and suddenly he’s forced to do so in front of a bunch of people. 

“We can do this,” Phil says. 

Dan knows that it’s just Phil’s line. But there is something also extremely comforting about it as well. Phil’s voice feels like a warm hug of comfort to Dan in that moment and he feels a bit more relaxed. 

“I know,” Dan says. “I believe in us.” 

Phil begins to close in, like how the script had said he should. 

And then their lips connect. It’s not pretty at first. It’s awkward, and Dan knows it is. So he’s not shocked when the director yells cut and they quickly separate. Dan reaches up to wipe some of the spit from his lips and he notices Phil doing the same. 

“Yeah, there is no chemistry in that kiss,” The director says, stating the obvious. “So let’s redo it if you two don’t mind.” 

Dan just nods and he glances over at Phil to see he’s stepped off to the side and is drinking from a water bottle. He finishes sipping from it and then turns back to Dan and flashes him a smile, “Are you ready?” 

Dan forces a smile and nods to him. 

They step up to each other again and the director yells action so Phil begins to lean in and this time, the kiss feels so much different. It’s much more relaxed, and Dan can feel the cold from the water against his own lips. He melts a bit into it, feeling his whole body sag forward. 

The director yells cut way too soon and when Phil pulls away, Dan definitely doesn’t want to. Their eyes meet and it’s almost instant: the connection. Dan blushes and turns his head and Phil pats his shoulder. 

“Okay guys, we’re going…” 

Dan listens to the next directions from the director before he turns to go back to his pop-up trailer to get changed into his appropriate outfit and get his hair and makeup redone. 

But as he looks over his shoulder, he finds that Phil is looking at him. Their eyes meet again and  _ yeah, there is definitely something there.  _

Dan bites his lip and walks into the trailer, trying to ignore it. They were costars, not lovers. They had a one-night stand a year ago. It didn’t mean anything and Dan needs to knock these feelings out. 

He can't fall in _ —no, he wasn’t even going to think that.  _

He sits down in the chair next to his stylist and ignores the feeling sitting heavy in his chest. 

* * *

“A few of us are grabbing dinner tonight and taking it back to the hotel, do you want to come?” 

Dan looked up to his other co-star sitting across from him, legs criss-crossed under them as they sat on the grass and ate their lunch. Her name was Roni and Dan really enjoyed working with her so far. He didn’t know who she was prior to meeting her today but he’s playing his younger sister and honestly, they  _ do  _ look similar enough that they could be. 

“Who is getting dinner?” Dan asked, breaking off a piece of the chicken breast that was supplied by the production crew and taking a bit of it with his fork. It wasn’t the best food that he’s ever had, but he’ll take it because it’s currently sundown and he’s been working for 12 hours now and he’s hungry. 

But they’ve made a lot of progress on these scenes from what Dan can tell and he’s already enjoying working with the director and the other co-stars that he’s gotten to meet. 

“Um…” She says thinking as she places a piece of lettuce from her salad in front of her lips. “I think Phil, Kevin, and myself right now. Oh and obviously you if you decide to get dinner as well.” 

“Oh okay,” Dan bites his lip and tries to hide that he’s a bit nervous about being alone with Phil right now. Well, they wouldn’t be alone per se because Roni and Kevin would be there but he still felt weird about it. 

“I think Phil mentioned something about running lines as well because tomorrow we’re filming scenes where it’s the four of us.” 

Dan knew that the idea of running lines would definitely be smart because this is the first time that they’re all able to work together since getting casted and receiving the script. Their busy work schedules didn’t allow for them to all meet up ahead of time. 

So being able to run lines with everyone else would be super helpful. But on the bad side, Dan isn’t so sure what to do with Phil. 

How does one even approach the subject of reuniting with a one night stand? And especially one that you might be getting some mixed feelings about now that you’ve seen them again? Dan didn’t know how to breach the subject. 

“So what do you say?” Roni asks. 

Dan gulps and tries to make his mind up quickly. He’s going to have to get used to working with Phil anyway. They have to work together for the next 2-3 months on this film. So he’s got to get used to it now. 

“I’ll grab some dinner.” 

“Are you almost hooked up at the Marriott?” Roni asks. “I know the rest of us are.” 

Dan just nods and goes back to eating, trying to fight off the sudden nausea that has just settled. 

Everyone leaves at around eight and Dan can feel the fatigue that is settling all throughout his body. He can’t wait to grab some proper food, take a shower, and then sleep for the rest of the night. He doesn’t have an early set day tomorrow so he can sleep in a bit and rest from the brutal first day and he’s really glad about that. 

Dan leaves with Roni and they take the same car back to the hotel. He doesn’t even see Phil or Kevin and when he questions Roni about it, Roni just says that Phil has his own car and that Kevin says he doesn’t know if he has the energy to come around for running lines. 

Which means that there is a very good chance it’s going to just be Roni, Dan, and Phil running lines tonight and that thought makes Dan even more nervous because he’s now literally not going to be able to avoid him. Not like Dan wanted to avoid him anyway but he just wants to put off speaking to him about their previous affair: if at all possible. 

When they get to the hotel, and they walk inside, Phil is standing in the lobby with an array of take out menus in his hands. As soon as he and Roni walk up to him, he passes them a Chinese take out menu and says, “I’m craving Chinese tonight so I figured we could get take out.” 

Dan takes the menu from Phil’s hand and their fingers lightlyly graze under the laminated paper and Dan’s breath stutters in his chest. He shouldn’t be getting worked up about touching Phil’s fingers on accident but he can’t help it. 

It’s just a stupid  _ crush.  _

Not even a crush. It’s just feelings being stupid and Dan needs to stop getting so worked up about everything that has to do with Phil. They’re supposed to be professional and this is the furthest from professional. 

“Ooh!” Roni let out a squeal, “I love Chinese food. Let’s go out to our rooms and order.” 

“Whose room do you want to go to?” Phil asks and they all look at each other before Dan just caves and says his. 

So they head to the elevator, seemingly unnoticed, and eventually end up in Dan’s room. And suddenly, Dan feels even more anxious knowing Phil was literally in his hotel room. 

They all sit down and order their food online and Phil calls for his assistant to get the food for him so they can go unnoticed. Dan is actually grateful for that because he doesn’t feel like being noticed by paparazzi at his hotel for getting food. It wouldn’t be the first time but that doesn't mean he’s okay with that happening. 

As they wait for their food to make it to his room, they all sit on the floor and Phil speaks up first that he wants to run over the lines for tomorrow. So Dan walks over and grabs his script from his back pack and Roni and Phil pull out their own versions and they all sit in the circle going over their lines. 

For certain lines, they laugh so hard that they cry because of how cheesy they sound when spoken out loud. For other lines, Dan is nearly in tears from the emotion that Phil is converting in his lines. And then for the rest of the lines, Dan feels like he can’t compare to Phil and the way Phil is speaking them. Dan knew Phil was a fantastic actor, but seeing him in action like this was totally different from anything he has ever witnessed. 

As the night dragged on later, and Dan happened to look down at his phone and see it was after midnight, they all agreed to split up for the night and go to their rooms to sleep. Dan was relieved at how well the night had gone considering that he had been so nervous because of Phil earlier. He genuinely didn’t know what he was expecting but he felt really good now moving forward with whatever he and Phil had: although that wasn’t much. 

Roni left first, flashing them a peace sign on her way out with his sweatshirt covering her hands so you could barely see her fingers. Dan said goodnight to her and was about to say the same thing for Phil when he noticed how Phil was lingering back, standing up from the floor but not moving forward. 

“Do you need anything?” Dan found himself asking, although his words were a bit slurred from the fatigue and exhaustion that was hitting him like a freight train. 

“I just thought maybe we could talk,” Phil says. In that moment, Dan’s heart sinks in his stomach and he suddenly feels really sick, like he’s going to vomit all over the floor. He knows that isn’t from the food either. 

“About what?” 

Phil let out a sigh and reached his hand behind his neck and rubbed, “Well, for one, it’s been a year. You look really good.” 

Dan felt his cheeks heat up and he blushed, trying not to take the compliment to heart because he’s sure it’s meant to be polite, nothing else, “You as well.” 

“I knew that we were going to work together,” Phil says, and Dan finds himself taken aback by that because he didn’t even know about Phil. So he finds that interesting that Phil knew about him, “And so I knew it might be a bit awkward between us at first but I don’t want it to be.” 

“Me either,” Dan admits. “I know we can’t really forget what happened in Miami but…” 

“I really enjoyed it,” Phil says, biting his lip and suddenly Dan’s body feels hot, and not in the same way his cheeks just did. 

Dan let’s out a snort, trying to cover how he’s really feeling about that confession, “I did too. But it makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t a bad lay.” 

“You were actually one of the best,” Phil says with a sigh. “And I haven’t been able to get you out of my head. Everything felt so right in that moment. Did you feel it too?” 

Dan opens and closes his mouth a few times and then nods, because  _ yes he did. It’s the exact same feelings he had felt before when he saw Phil for the first time today and had been reminded of later on that night.  _ “I did.” 

Suddenly Phil is moving closer to him and Dan’s breath hitches. It’s like everything is happening in slow motion. Phil’s moving closer, Dan’s moving closer. Phil’s hands are on his hips and holding them  _ oh so well  _ and Dan is wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck. 

Then they’re kissing. All inhibitions are gone and thrown out the window. Dan is letting them, because, for another time, he can let himself get lost in something, get his mind placed into something else. So he wants to spend the night with Phil again, and have his mind blank and his body go numb from the sensations. 

Phil pulls away, and Dan chases the kiss, but Phil laughs and stops him, “Are you okay with this? I don’t want to feel like I’m pushing you into anything.” 

Dan nods without any hesitation and presses a kiss against Phil’s lips, “I really want you again. It’s all I could think about when I saw you this morning.” 

“Me too,” Phil comments back before cementing another kiss to Dan’s lips. 

Dan gets lost, his head gets cloudy. He loses all thoughts and all feelings. The only thing he feels is what is happening  _ now.  _ What is happening  _ to  _ him and  _ around  _ him. 

The hotel mattress is really unforgiving for Dan’s back but frankly, he feels like he can’t talk because he got his back blown out while on it. There was nothing that felt so good as having Phil above him, giving it his all as he pressed kisses down Dan’s neck, sucking bruises into the skin that Dan will have to apologize to his make up artist for the next day. 

When it’s all done, and they’re both spent and Dan is feeling his body officially shut down from the fatigue of being on set and then doing all of that. He had no more energy if he even wanted any. Phil was getting dressed, and Dan was gonna ask if he wanted to stay the night but he decided not to in his almost sleep-induced haze, 

But as Phil had dressed and Dan laying in bed, his eyes almost shut, Phil says something that makes Dan’s eye widen, “Would you want to maybe do this again? Like, whenever we both need to de-stress after a long day of shooting or just whenever we want to? No strings attached?” 

Perhaps if Dan was in more of a sound mind, he would have said something along the lines of  _ I’ll think about it.  _ But afraid of saying anything that might make the situation awkward, Dan said instead, “Okay.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Present Day**

“So you and Phil were friends with benefits then?” Jen asks, listening to Dan as he just ranted off a whole two years of his life. 

It was weird, Dan decided, to think back to the genesis of him and Phil. In a way, he guesses he just never let himself really think back to that because he was always focused on the memories they were making currently, not the ones that they made in the past. Maybe he should have done that more. 

“For a while yeah,” Dan admits. He takes the pillow from beside him, not the couch and hugs it to his chest as Spencer nudges at his feet. “It was mostly while we were filming our movie then.” 

“How often did you guys…?” 

Dan let out a laugh and looked over at Jen who was now sitting up straighter, almost as if she was on the edge of her seat waiting for all of the details. 

“Have sex?” Dan asks with a laugh. “Probably every other day or so. Phil was always looking for a way to ease his anxiety and I was always looking to get out of my head after a long day at set so we naturally fell into a rhythm.” 

“And you and him were completely okay with that?” 

Dan shrugs and crushes the pillow a bit tighter, “I mean, hypothetically yeah. We both agreed that there were no strings attached. It was just to blow off steam. And it wasn’t like neither of us didn’t ever want it. Like, we both consented to everything we did.” 

“But you said that you were beginning to feel actual feelings for him. So how did you cope with that then?” Jen asked and Dan felt sadness rise in his chest. 

The non complicated answer is that he didn’t cope that well. When Phil and him first started sleeping together, he tried to ignore his feelings as best as he could. But of course, there were always the feelings that bubbled under his skin and threatened to burst out every time they were intimate together. 

He always bit his tongue though. Sometimes literally, and he would taste copper in his mouth. He still remembers that taste because it happened way more than he’d care to have admitted. 

“It was hard,” Dan finally says. “I really liked him you know?” 

“So when was it that you guys finally decided to just give in and begin dating each other.” 

Dan lets out a sad laugh, “It’s complicated.” 

“How so?” Jen presses. 

“I don’t think we ever fully said to each other,  _ do you want to be exclusive?  _ I think it just happened with time and before we knew it, we were a couple with real feelings and real love between us.” 

“When did you discover that?” 

Dan bends his chin down into the pillow and sighs. 

* * *

**California, December 2017**

“Christmas is in a week and filming just wrapped up, so do you want to go somewhere to celebrate?” 

Dan had just packed his last shirt in his suitcase when Phil had come into his room with the extra room key Dan had supplied him with. He wasn’t leaving yet, or at least he wasn’t supposed to be leaving yet. But Dan was still packing anyway. 

“Like go where?” Dan asks, turning so he can face Phil now. 

Phil was leaning against the counter that was in Dan’s kitchenette. He had his elbows resting on the surface and was leaning his head in his hands. 

“Anywhere you want to,” Phil answered with. “I can book us a flight anywhere in the world right now. We have the free time.” 

“And you’re okay with just going wherever?” Dan asks with a laugh. He walks up to the counter and stands in front of Phil. 

“Of course,” Phil says. “I’ll go wherever you want to.” 

“Japan.” 

“Japan?” Phil asks for clarification and Dan nods. 

“I’ve always wanted to go to Japan.” 

“You’ve never been?” Phil asks, pulling out his phone as his fingers tapped against the screen. 

Dan shakes his head, “No, it’s always been on my list but I haven’t ever had the time in my schedule to really go on a trip like that.”

Phil sets his phone on the counter and looks back up at Dan, “I went to Tokyo for a movie premiere and it was a really great city.” 

“Yeah?” 

Phil nods and flashes him a smile. 

* * *

They arrived in Tokyo three days later. Dan’s never been so amazed when arriving in a city before then he has been to arrive there. Dan’s only ever dreamt of going to Tokyo, he never thought he would actually have the opportunity to go. 

But being here with Phil felt so special to him. He didn’t know why but being able to say he was seeing such a nice city with Phil next to him was really memorable for him. He was really happy that they weren’t recognized. He supposes that American actors aren’t as well known here and he’s very grateful for that. He can now enjoy his trip and not feel like he’s being pressed by the fact that anyone could see him walking around, especially with Phil. 

They have managed to avoid the public eye. Most of that had to do with the fact that they were filming in their discrete location. But it wasn’t like he and Phil didn’t go out together when they were in between filming days. Yeah, it was nothing major. But a few times they did go to the city and go out to get food. 

They were currently in the hotel, jet lag kicking in and making them both a bit too tired to go out and explore. The room is lavish, that’s the only word to describe it. Phil’s splurged so much on this trip and the thought of that makes Dan’s heart swell. He’s never been with someone who has cared so much about him. 

But that’s where the hard part is. They’re  _ not  _ together. They’re just friends who have sex with each other. They haven’t established anything between them. But Dan’s heart feels differently.

He’s laying in bed beside Phil, looking at him as Phil’s face snuggles into the side of the pillow, his glasses still on but now askew. Dan reaches over gently and picks them off, folding them and putting them on the nightstand behind him. When he turns back around, Dan’s hand reaches out instinctively to comb his fingers through Phil’s hair.

There is something so much more intimate about his entire thing than the physical act itself. There is just no describable feeling like the one that is settling in Dan’s chest as he thinks about how he’s here with Phil, right before Christmas. 

He’s going to spend Christmas with Phil in Tokyo. 

If Dan was gullible enough, he might actually convince himself that this is love. This between them is love now. But that’s not it. It’s not it at all. And Dan’s eyes well up a bit at the thought of all of this not being anything besides quick fucks and a trip between two “bro’s”. 

Dan shuts his eyes, willing to keep the tears at bay, and he moves in closer to Phil. They’ve never cuddled before, but something is there telling Dan to try it anyway. So Dan moves in close and rests his head against Phil’s chest and Phil’s arms come up to wrap around him. Dan smiles to himself and relaxes a bit in the touch. 

He’s going to savor the moment, because he doesn’t know if it’ll happen ever again. 

They sleep half of their first day away and Dan’s okay with that because he wakes up to being under the covers with Phil, drool drying on his pillow and sweat matting his hair. In reality, it’s probably gross, and a turnoff. But there is also something so domestic about this too, even more so when Phil kisses him anyway and asks if he wants to go out to get dinner. 

They get dressed, and rearrange their hair and splash their faces with water, and then they head out onto the streets where they stop at a ramen restaurant that seemed to be busy with people. They get a table and order their food and Dan’s never felt so happy in his life. 

When they leave, just a few short hours later, there is snow beginning to fall around them, and a chill has settled into the air. When Dan makes a joke to Phil about  _ being cold,  _ Phil just smiles and tells Dan they’ll warm up at the hotel. 

And they do... _ twice.  _

* * *

They make a decision to exchange Christmas gifts with each other so when Phil is busy answering emails and calls one afternoon, Dan takes on the streets of Tokyo himself and finds a little shop where he can buy Phil a gift. 

In the few short months that they’ve known each other, Dan does know that Phil really enjoys Studio Ghibli films so when Dan sees a Totoro plushie in the window, he gets excited and goes in to buy it for Phil. 

It’s not a lot, and Dan knows it. But in a way, Dan feels like it’s more sentimental because it shows that Dan has paid attention to Phil all this time. He’s listened to Phil waffle on about his favorite movies and tv shows. He’s retained all of this information about Phil that is going to show that he cares. 

Dan manages to hide the plushie until Christmas. How? He’s not entirely sure. 

They take a trip to Kyoto right before Christmas and Dan contemplates bringing the plushie but he doesn’t because he feels like it’s not entirely the place for that. So instead, they just travel together to the city and enjoy their time around instead. 

It’s not cherry blossom season, so it’s not like they’ll see anything when they visit the parks there. But Dan still enjoys standing around the trees and being able to take in all of the scenery. He even snaps a couple of photos of Phil and Phil snaps a couple of them together, and it’s that moment where Dan realizes that he’s actually  _ seriously  _ in love with Phil. 

And that’s not a good thing...or so he thinks. 

But then when they board the train to go back to Tokyo, Phil takes his hand in his and pushes their palms together. Dan looks down at them and Phil just remains silent for a few moments. They’re in an area all by themselves, so no one is going to see them anyway. 

Phil turns to him suddenly, and he opens his mouth and says, “Dan, I love you.” 

Dan’s heart stutters in his chest and feels his eyes water as he takes in the words. 

“I love you too,” He says, and Phil rushes forward, connecting their lips in a solid kiss. 

Maybe that’s when their relationship actually started. They never really confirmed it. But Dan always took December 23rd to be their anniversary, and that was something he stood by until the end. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Present Day**

“Oh Dan, that’s so romantic!” Jen coos. 

“I know, get it all out now.” 

“I mean, that’s literally the perfect confession. Like I can’t get over how much that sounds like something straight out of a movie.” 

“Ironic right?” Dan says, his voice a little sad. 

Jen just looks at him sadly and Dan doesn't say much else. They sit in silence for the time being, Spencer’s small body being Dan’s comfort as he cuddles into his pup the millionth time this afternoon. Spencer must feel smothered at this point. 

Dan opens his mouth to speak and to continue on the story of him and Phil when his phone rings again and he decides to check who is calling. It really could be anyone but he has an inclination of who it is. 

And looking at his screen, he’s not wrong. 

Phil’s name is illuminating the screen and Dan knows he’s ignored the other calls from him but maybe he should take the time to answer Phil, and hear him out. He looks up at Jen for a split second and she’s still giving him that sympathetic glance so Dan just bites his lip and presses answer. 

Then he braces. 

“Hey!” Phil’s voice comes through the speaker. “I wasn’t expecting you to actually answer me considering you’ve ignored me the rest of the time.” 

“Well,” Dan says, his voice a bit on edge, “I didn’t really have a reason to ever answer your calls again.” 

Phil lets out a sigh and Dan can tell he’s tired. He’s not sure what kind of tired, but it’s clear he’s tired, “Can you please work with me for once, Dan? We still need to settle everything and you’re not cooperating.” 

“I filled out my side of the paperwork and I sent it to the lawyers, Phil. I don’t know what else I have to do.” 

“Are you free to meet up and talk to each other?” Phil asks, “Because frankly Dan, I’m  _ tired  _ of having to speak to you through our lawyers. I want this to be done too, you know but  _ you’re  _ the one making this entire thing complicated.” 

Dan fights back tears and looks down at his lap, trying his best to hide them as his eyes water more, blurring his vision, and a lump has formed in his throat, “When?” 

“Can you meet tomorrow?” Phil asks. “Would you be willing to meet me at my place?” 

Dan wants to laugh, he really does, because Phil’s word choice makes it sound like that is Phil’s house but in reality, it’s not. It was their house in the Hollywood hills but when they ended their relationship, Dan moved out and told Phil to keep it because his name was technically on it. 

“What time?” 

“One?” Phil asks. “I won’t say anything earlier because I know you won’t be awake before then.” 

Dan fights back a smile, even though it hurts because it’s really true that Phil knows him so well. Kind of makes all of the memories just  _ that  _ much more bittersweet when he thinks about it. 

“I can do that,” Dan finally says. 

“After tomorrow, you’ll never have to talk to me again,” Phil says. “Just so you know.” 

The tears come now, no matter how hard Dan holds them back and he nods, trying to wipe them away as fast as they’re coming down his cheeks but it’s no use, “Okay.” 

His voice comes out hurt, and bubbled, like he’s speaking underwater. He takes in a shuddering breath and Phil’s voice cuts through, “Dan? Are you okay? Are you crying?” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay.” 

Dan hangs up before Phil can say anything else and he turns his phone off, tossing it to the other side of the couch. He wipes the rest of the tears from his cheeks and Jen pokes a box of tissues at him and he laughs and grabs a few, wiping his eyes and then blowing his nose. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Jen says. “You have every right to be upset about this all.” 

Dan just gives her a sad smile and ruffles his hands back through Spencer’s fur. 

“Although,” Jen continues, “there is something you’re hiding from everyone, isn’t there?” 

Dan just nods slowly and takes a deep breath, “Phil and I married after he moved to Los Angeles.” 

* * *

**California, August 2018**

The sun is shining just as bright as it always does in the summer in California. Dan’s never been happier to be living here where he can soak up the sun and not have to travel anywhere to do so. His home overlooked the valley and his pool was a nice way to relax and look at everything around him. 

He’s been keeping tabs on his cell phone now for the better part of two hours because Phil is coming to visit him, finally! It’s been so long since he’s seen Phil and with him living in New York City, Dan didn’t get to see him a lot. 

It’s been tough these last few months, living so far away from each other. Dan knew that both of them working such tight schedules would yield difficult results when it came to spending time together but he wasn’t faced with just how much it would actually end up hurting. 

When Phil told him that he had a free break between filming for a few weeks and he wanted to spend them with Dan, Dan jumped on the chance, making sure his schedule was crystal clear. 

Now Phil’s plane is set to touch down at any moment and then he’s being chauffeured to Dan’s house where he is beyond excited to see him. Dan can’t even contain the excitement and he’s sure it’s bubbling over. 

Dan feels bad for his friends in a way. They all know about Phil, despite their agreement to keep their relationship mostly out of the public view, they decided to tell their close friends anyway because that’s what they should do. So Dan did and all of his friends were extremely happy for them but now Dan’s had to subject them to nothing but conversations about how excited he was for Phil to be here for the last few weeks. 

Just as Dan takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down, his phone dings and he looks down to see a message saying “Guess where I am”. It’s accompanied by a photo of the valley as Phil’s plane descends and Dan feels like he could actually cry. 

It should be embarrassing, how worked up he’s getting about seeing his boyfriend again. But it’s a big deal to Dan in a lot of ways. 

The main one being that Dan’s never been in love with someone like this before. The feeling is completely new. He’s never felt something as powerful as this feeling he gets in his heart when he sees Phil’s name pop up on his phone or his laptop. 

Phil is truly the love of his life. His soulmate if you will. 

Phil is the  _ one  _ for Dan. Dan knows that deep down in his core. 

Dan’s typing a message back to Phil but as he goes to press send, another message comes through saying Phil is almost there. So Dan rushes up from his seat and runs through his house to the front door. He opens the door just as a black car pulls in and as soon as the door opens, Dan runs outside into the heat and launches himself at Phil. 

There is no better feeling than the feeling of Phil’s arms around him. 

“I missed you so much,” Dan whispers into the skin of Phil’s neck. 

“I missed you too,” Phil says, kissing into Dan’s hair. It's such a simple and gentle gesture, but Dan’s heart melts more than it already had. 

They separate long enough for Dan to help Phil grab his luggage from the back of the car. Phil has quite a bit, and as Dan lugs in the third suitcase, he laughs a bit about it. Only Phil would come on a trip for 3 weeks and bring nearly his entire wardrobe. 

“You brought so much,” Dan says with a laugh as they drop the last piece of it in Dan’s bedroom just up the stairs. 

“Well, that’s because I actually have a surprise,” Phil says, a big smile placed on his lips. 

Dan stares at him for a moment, completely dumbfounded on what a surprise like this would be. 

“I bought a house here...in Beverly Hills. And I want you to move in with me.” 

Dan’s mouth opens and closes a few times because his mind is having trouble forming an answer. Did Phil really just ask Dan to move in with him? 

“Are...is this for real?” Dan asks. 

Phil nods and smiles wider, “Yeah! I closed on it just two days ago but it’s ready to be moved into. I have all of my furniture being shipped here from New York next week but I packed my wardrobe with me.” 

“So you’re not joking?” Dan asks again, because his mind is telling him this is all a complete joke and Phil is pranking him. 

“Not a joke!” Phil said, pulling his phone from his pocket, “Here are some of the photos of the outside and inside. It’s hidden away from the road so it’ll be private and just like our own little oasis.” 

Dan’s eyes welled up with tears and he swung his arms around Phil, crying with a smile into Phil’s shoulder, “I’m so happy.” 

Phil’s arms engulf him again and his hands press gently onto Dan’s back, “Me too. You have no idea.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Present Day**

“Well we all knew you and Phil lived together,” Jen says with a laugh. “I literally helped you both move into your new home. You two had so much shit to unpack.” 

Dan lets out a loud bellowing laugh because he remembers that so fondly. He remembers having to spend literally days unpacking all of their collective belongings because they didn’t want to hire people to do it for them. They wanted to do it on their own like a normal couple, out of the eye of the public...that was in literally a few months later, they were spotted by paparazzi leaving The Grove and Dan decided to post a photo of them on his Instagram that garnered the attention of the masses. 

After that, they didn’t really hide. Not in the way that they should have. And sadly, that’s why this breakup is taking so much more out of him because he knows he has fans who are upset just like he is. Of course not in the same way, not in the same level of heartache. 

It nearly killed him when he had to make the post saying he and Phil were taking a break...because taking a break sounded better than ending their relationship. 

“What’s sad though is that we might have had a lot of shit, but the house always looked so bare because of its size,” Dan said shaking his head. “I still don’t know what Phil’s motive was buying a fucking 6 bedroom house for just us.” 

Jen looks down at her lap and fiddles her thumbs together and Dan immediately tenses, “What?” He asks. 

“Well,” Jen says, biting her lip a little bit. “I think Phil did it because he knew you guys wanted to start a family. I mean, you used to talk to me all the time about how you couldn’t wait to have your own children. Like, I’m sure Phil bought the home with the idea that it would be  _ your  _ forever home.” 

Dan bites back the lump that forms in his throat because he knows deep down that she’s correct. That was exactly why Phil got a house that big. There was literally no discussion for that. 

But that thought makes it hurt even worse. 

“Listen, Dan, I think you’ve told enough about you and Phil, okay? I know this was an offered therapy session between us but I think maybe that’s enough,” Jen comforts, swinging her legs down to the floor from under her. 

Dan nods in agreement because his eyes are feeling heavy and he’s mind and body are feeling exhausted. While speaking about Phil so openly did help, it also was like a massive weight was simultaneously added and taken off. He does want a little bit to just collect his thoughts and get ready for his meeting with Phil tomorrow. 

“Yeah, you’re right,” He says, gently moving Spencer from his lap and sitting up straighter. 

Jen gathers her stuff and pushes it all into her bag before she gives him a sympathetic glance, “You’re going to get through this,” She says. “I know you’re struggling right now, and meeting up with Phil tomorrow is not going to make things easier. But just know that you’ll be able to move on one day. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will. I’m here for you, and so aren’t everyone else.” 

Dan lets out a breath and nods, giving her a smile, “I know I can always count on you, Jen.” 

He sees her out the door and when she’s gone, he heads back inside and heads upstairs to his bedroom with Spencer on his heels. He lays down in bed and fights back all of the emotions that are welling up in his chest. 

The fighting started not long after Phil moved to LA and Dan moved in. Dan doesn't even know why it started, but it did. It started with Phil having to leave all the time to film and before they knew it, they were fighting over missed calls and socks being left on the floor. 

Of course it escalated, because they were both stressed. Dan was also in the middle of filming his new movie and Phil was busy preparing for his next big awards gig. But when that stress bubbled up, it became hard for them to go back to normal. 

They snapped at each other, all the time. They stopped kissing. They stopped having sex. They stopped sleeping in the same room. And eventually, Dan stopped going home. 

He would stay at Jen’s...or Gigi’s...or Mike’s. But he just didn’t go home because he didn’t want to fight anymore. He was tired of fighting. He was tired of feeling tired. 

Dan was the one to ask for the divorce. 

As much of a shock as that might be. He asked Phil for it one night over text, and Phil, with a little bit of hesitation, agreed. 

And now they’re in this mess. Where Dan is still battling with his heartbreak over something he did. Didn’t Dan want this? He was the one who asked Phil for the divorce so why is he suddenly so broken about it? 

He tossed and turned a bit in his bed before suddenly sitting up. 

_ No, he didn’t want this.  _ He never wanted this. Why did he even suggest it in the first place? This entire ordeal was done at the hands of a lie because of his frustration of never seeing his partner. 

_ Fuck.  _ He doesn't know what to do but…

He nearly trips out of his bed and he runs down the stairs, grabbing his phone that is still tossed on the floor. He quickly turns it on and ignores all of the notifications coming through that he missed in the time he had it off and he quickly searches for Phil’s number. He dials it, puts it on speaker phone and waits. 

Phil’s voice filters through the speaker. “Hello?” 

“We need to talk...today,” Dan says. “I can’t wait until tomorrow.” 

“Are you sure, Dan?” Phil says, a bit of a break in his voice. “I don’t want to rush you into doing this...I mean you were really distressed earlier.” 

“Phil...I love you.” 

The lines go silent. No sound, no rustle. 

“Dan, let’s not do this over the phone.” 

“Are you busy right now, then?” Dan asks. 

“No?” 

“I’m coming over,” Dan says, already walking to the door and getting ready to grab his keys to his car he barely ever drives. 

“Okay.” 

The acknowledgment of that is enough to make Dan take a deep breath as he hangs up and rushes out to his car. This might be a huge mistake, or might it be fine. Dan’s honestly not sure. 

But he can’t find out if he doesn’t tell Phil everything that he’s just said to Jen. 

* * *

Phil greets him at the door and Dan is shocked to see him with his hair dyed to its signature black. It’s a reddish-brown, so different but so nice compared to his normal color. He’s wearing his glasses, something he doesn’t do often because of the hassle compared to contacts, and he’s as casual as one might be. 

“We need to actually talk,” Dan says. 

“I know,” Phil says. “So let’s do it.” 

“I love you,” Dan says, following Phil inside. “I never have once stopped loving you. I will never love anyone like I’ve loved you.” 

Phil takes a deep breath and releases it and Dan can see the anger start to come onto his face, “Then why did you ask me for a divorce, Dan? Why did you ask for a divorce, suddenly move out of our house with no word, and hire a divorce lawyer?” 

“I got tired of waiting!” Dan exclaims letting it all bubble over. “When we first started our relationship, all we did was have sex and nothing else. But then when that all changed, I was waiting for you to validate that I wasn’t the only one who felt the way I did. When we finally began dating, it was the waiting for filming to end. Waiting for us to visit each other. When we finally lived together, and decided to get married, we didn’t do any of the waiting. We just jumped in and did it and that was the happiest decision I’ve ever made,” Dan stops, taking in a deep shuddering breath. 

“But the waiting got the better of me when our married life was constantly put on hold because of it. We never got to be together because of this waiting. It made me depressed. It made me frustrated. It made me reach a breaking point that I don’t want.” 

Phil stares at Dan with a surprised expression on his face. Dan searches him for a response, begging internally that Phil will respond to him and see what he’s saying, “I know exactly what you mean, Dan.” Phil finally says. “I got tired of that too.” 

“So where does that leave us then?” Dan asks. “If we finalize the divorce, it’s over. There is nothing else holding us together.” 

“I know,” Phil says, his voice a little sad. 

“So what do we do?” 

Phil stands in front of Dan, both of them staring at the other trying to read each other’s expression. “I don’t want a divorce,” Phil says. 

“I don’t either.” 

Phil lets out a little laugh and Dan gives him a confused look on why Phil would be finding this moment funny. But before he can ask, Phil speaks up, “As cheesy as it sounds, maybe this break we’ve had from each other for the last 5 months finally made us realize how much we love each other. It finally made us realize what went wrong and how we can fix it.” 

Dan lets out a small gasp, “So you’re willing to help fix it?” 

Phil nods and gives him a smile, “I’m willing to do whatever I can so I can love you for the rest of my life.” 

“So, you still love me?” Dan asks. 

“I would have never stopped.” 

Dan doesn't even think, he rushes forward and connects their lips and it’s exactly like how it used to be, before all of the stress and tension began. It reminds Dan of when they first fell in love, and in a way, this feels like a new beginning for them. 

It feels like maybe this is exactly what they needed all along to realize just what they should do. 

Dan spends the night at Phil’s house where they talk through the rest of their minds while shedding some tears and laughing at old memories. Dan knows that Jen didn’t mean to play matchmaker for him again. But when he texts Jen telling her to check on Spencer because he’s going to be with Phil for the night, the little text that Jen sends back reads exactly like she knew what he was doing. 

Dan supposes he should tell his followers soon that he and Phil decided to get back together. He also feels like he should tell them that they’re actually married. But instead, he spends his time kissing Phil and making new memories to replace the recent, nasty ones. 

Because he knows deep down it was destiny that they met at the club in Miami. 

It was always destiny that he was going to end up with Phil. 

**Author's Note:**

> if you like this fic, please send me a message or leave a comment and some kudos. My tumblr is @yiffandquiff but I also now have a new tumblr under the pseudonym onoderaritsu where I am a bit more active!


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